Stigmata
by Kirachu
Summary: After the Final Battle, Subaru and Kamui meet up and bad things happen.
1. Prologue

Stigmata 

**by Kira (kira@shikigami.net)**

**stig·ma**

_n. pl._ **stig·ma·ta** or **stig·mas **

1.             A mark or token of infamy, disgrace, or reproach: _"Party affiliation has never been more casual... The stigmata of decay are everywhere" _(Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.). See Synonyms at stain. 

2.             A small mark; a scar or birthmark. 

3.             Medicine. A mark or characteristic indicative of a history of a disease or abnormality. 

**4.             Psychology. A mark or spot on the skin that bleeds as a symptom of hysteria. **

**stigmata Bodily marks, sores, or sensations of pain corresponding in location to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus, usually occurring during states of religious ecstasy or hysteria.**

5.             Biology. A small mark, spot, or pore, such as the respiratory spiracle of an insect or an eyespot in certain algae. 

6.             Botany. The receptive apex of the pistil of a flower, on which pollen is deposited at pollination. 

**7.             Archaic. A mark burned into the skin of a criminal or slave; a brand.**

Prologue 

The battle shrieks of dragons had long ago been silenced within the heart of Tokyo.  What destruction had been caused by their mêlée in the skies had disappeared with them, and Tokyo had rejuvenated to become again the thriving center of Japan it had once been.  Faint reminders of the battle remained.  Somewhere, something as obscure as an ofuda, the paper talismans of the onmyouji, could perhaps be found pinned beneath a rock at the bottom of the river beneath Rainbow Bridge.  But this was all.

As a whole, no one remembered what had happened, because no one but those involved knew that it had been happening at all.  The pieces of it that had remained behind continued to puzzle those that happened to stumble across them, but as humans were in general more concerned with reality and primarily their own affairs, such things were disregarded without another thought.  It was a fault of humanity as a whole to be that selfish and dense, but likely, it was better for them that way, to be naïve.  Naïve was, to them, happy.

Five years.

It had taken five years for what the battle of the dragons had caused to finally settle down, until each particle that had created it finally disappeared, and the only traces were those few barely discernible things.  Five years and six months, to be precise, for the anniversary of its completion had been half a year ago.

Within Tokyo, no one knew that it had ever been a date worth celebrating, much less remembering and honoring as their day of salvation.  Those earthquakes five years ago had certainly been the worse Japan in its entirety had ever suffered, but like so many before those, they were forgotten in the cogs of time.

And so, that day had been as any other, but not for those that had known the battle all too well and had been involved.

Kamui Shirou thought of that day and sighed.

Pitiful, that so many lives were lost, some in vain, some for the greater good, but for whatever reason, the lives were not remembered.  Their names were forgotten along with all other names of people who died on a day to day basis in Japan.

He, too, would be forgotten like them.  His sacrifices would not matter; what he had suffered was a minor thing in the eyes of selfish humans.  After all, what was his pain compared to theirs, they would say.  He did not know how difficult it was to maintain a 'normal' life in a city such as Tokyo.

He could challenge that, but he never would.  He did not advertise his pain, much less the story of all that had happened five years ago.

But he did remember, and he honored those that had died that day.

It surprised him, that when falling and touching everything below it as its own, that rain failed to make any sound at all.

On the streets, there was the sound of its droplets striking asphalt and making the light pit-pit-pit sound that he knew so well from listening it from his bed as it cascaded against his window.  Leaves rustled as it fell through the branches they clung to, but aside from these few things, rain hardly made a sound at all.

Here, it was silent, and were he not being drenched by the full drops that fell, he might have forgotten that it was raining at all.

The grave markers glared back at him, taunting him, silencing the voices of those their etched names in stone commemorated.

And he glared back, unmoving, unblinking, staring at their untarnished surfaces and remembering.

More than the four other years he had gone to the cemetery to honor the deaths of those that had given their lives in the battle between the dragons, he remembered the fifth anniversary better than those.  Not because it was the most recent, but because it was the first time he had seen /him/ since it had all ended.

And there was only one possible person that could be 'him'.

He made not a sound as he approached, his footfalls as gentle as a cat stalking a mouse, and when he was suddenly there standing alongside him, Kamui's body gave an involuntary jump of surprise.  The taller man, dressed in black, as was appropriate when visiting a graveyard, made no greeting, nor gave the slightest inclination that he had seen that surprise jump.  He simply stood, looking at the graves, unbothered by the pair of eyes studying him in amazement.

He knelt after two brief moments of silence, and from his person – where, Kamui had yet to have noticed – he withdrew a bouquet of beautifully arranged flowers.  Their look was natural and their smell rich, as though only plucked a moment ago, but had he reached out a touched one as he suddenly longed to do, he would have found their petals the finest silk.  The taller man could afford such luxuries.

These he settled on the first grave, that which had the name of the Soapland girl etched in its marble surface.  He moved away, from Kamui and from the grave, to the next, where he settled another small batch of silk flowers on the grave of the Asuka editor.  Thirdly was the monk, and though his body was not buried here, a grave marker was still erected for him.

The last two went to the graves Kamui stood nearest to, of the boy and girl whose lives had been haplessly thrown away.  He stopped there and stood impassively beside Kamui.

Kamui had never known silence to ever be so loud.

Such a contrast to that day, the sun shone brightly over Tokyo and over Kamui as he wandered aimlessly its streets, his only companion, his only friend since it had all come to an end.

As he had every day since then, he wondered why.  Why had he come that day, why had he shown his face that day and revealed to Kamui that he had lived and was well.

//Subaru.//

//I'm never going to understand you.//

//Why?  Why that day?  Why did you come?//

"Do you still speak to the others?"

Having the silence broken by him  startled Kamui nearly as much as his arrival had done.  He suppressed the bodily urge to jump again, having been stolen from his thoughts and rudely taken back into reality.  With a deep breath, as though he intended to give a truly inspiring answer, he responded.

"Sometimes."

It was not what he had intended to say, but it was what he did say all the same.

"Arashi's son will be five in a few months, won't he?"

Kamui glanced at him, the briefest of glances, as though he thought he would be reprimanded for looking upon that face for too long.  He had not known that Subaru had ever been aware that Arashi carried she and Sorata's child at that time.  Sorata, even, had died before he was told.

"Yeah," he replied quietly, his voice brittle.  Not because he found it difficult to speak to Subaru, but because his health had been failing these past few days.  He was beginning to develop a  cold.

"She says he's just like him – Sorata, I mean."

He continued to speak because he did not want the deafening silence to fall over them once again.  There was nothing particularly comforting about Subaru's voice.  It was, as voices came, far more enjoyable to listen to than some, but it was not as though it was necessary for Kamui to hear him speak.  

It /was/ necessary to hear a familiar voice at all.

All the better that it was him.

//But…//

//It wasn't really you that day, was it, Subaru?//

//Something was different about you.  Something… something always was been, since 'that time.'//

There was no question of what 'that time' meant to him.  He referred to little as it should have been actually named, but what little information he did give away illusioned to what the truth was.  'That time' referred to the events at Rainbow Bridge and its aftermath.

In a way, he supposed that it was the incident there that had been the turning point of the battle.  It was at that time all balance had been broken.  The Dragons of Earth lost their Angel to death; the Dragons of Heaven lost theirs to misery.

//Did it really damage you that much?//

//Don't worry about me.  I'm not broken.//

//That's what you said.  I didn't believe you then, but I wonder now…//

"Subaru…"

Amethyst eyes studied him when the other pair were not focused on him.  Five years had not changed him drastically.  There was very little sign that he had aged at all, save perhaps a single line or two that suggested that he was growing older.  But he was still young, still in the prime of his life, and still possessed the innocent beauty of his youth.

His eyes…

"Subaru?"

He spoke louder, to draw his attention.  The pair flickered to him.

Green and milky white.

"Yes?" he asked, not knowing the ulterior motives of Kamui having called his name.  He did not seem to even notice that the boy was studying him closely, as one might a thing it had never seen before or something that amazed them.

Kamui shook his head and looked away.  "Nothing."

Silence descended, the same deafening silence as before..

"Subaru?"

This time, there was no response, only a very slight sound to indicate that he had heard and was waiting for Kamui to speak again.

"I miss you."

"Where to?"

Kamui had not even sat down before the taxi driver was demanding his destination.  Five years had done well to age him, transforming him from the vertically challenged, lithe teenager he had once been into, though still not very tall, a rather striking adult, if he could even be referred to as one at all.  He was only twenty-one years old, after all, and even then, his facial features had maintained the same innocence that had always had him mistaken for a child or a girl when he was sixteen.

And adults, like this taxi driver, thought of anyone younger than them as a thorn in their sides and worth far more trouble than good.

"Shinjuku, Houou Estates," he requested quietly.

Despite what the 'houou' might had illusioned to, the apartment complex was far from anything as graceful as a phoenix.  They were not what some would consider a decent place to live, much less a safe place to live, but after everything had ended it was all he had been able to afford with the money his mother had left for him.

They had offered to let him stay on the campus… but he was tired of clinging to others for support.

He had clung to Subaru in that way, as an anchor through all the turmoil in his life.  He had taken Subaru for granted and never realized how much the older man had done for him.

//I wanted to apologize then…//

//But he only looked at me… he didn't say anything…//

//I thought he was going to laugh.//

Kamui could feel his cheeks burning as soon as the words had left his mouth and Subaru had given no response to them.  His hands tightened into fists -- they always did when he was embarrassed -- and he turned his head away as though in shame.  He did anything that did not require him to look at Subaru.

The older man was silent for a long time, far longer than made Kamui comfortable.  Then, he finally spoke.

"Are you going to college at the Clamp Campus?"

He completely disregarded it, as though it had never been said at all.  His tone was light, as though discussing the weather, and nearly seemed amused.  Or cheerful.

How odd life had become.

"No," Kamui replied.  "I haven't gone to school since it all ended."

The cigarette Subaru had been smoking for the duration of their conversation was flicked away.

"That's too bad.  You really should."

He shrugged.

"Well…

"Ja."

"Houou Estates."

Kamui did not thank the driver, much less check to see if the few bills he had tossed into the front seat was the proper amount for the drive.  It must have been, because the moment he was able to, the driver sped away as though something worse than death was chasing him.

"Ja."

The word was muttered, spit it out as though it were a curse.

To him, it was a curse, an insult.  Five long years had passed since the last time he had seen Subaru, when everything had come to an end, and when he saw him again, his only parting word was 'ja'.

He had not even said so much as 'ja ne' as though the second word was far too much effort for him to exude.

Kamui removed a cigarette from the pack within the inside pocket of his jacket and lit it as he climbed the stairs to his apartment building.

//I don't even know what I was worth to you.//

//After everything that happened, all you said to me were those words.  In the end,  I always was to you…//

//Just… nothing…//

//That's all I am.//


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter 1**

It was quite amazing, to watch from afar Kamui's transformation from boy to man.  And even more so to watch him as he threw his life away piece by piece.

Subaru had made it a hobby to watch the boy these past five years since they had departed from one another.  There was nothing particularly gratifying about it, no particular reason why he did it at all… but it was at least amusing.  Kamui amused him.

Of course, Kamui did many things that caused him many feelings, but he rather thought amusement was the primary feeling.

He could not help but be amused.  Perhaps it was cruel of him, to find that feeling in what could be seen in the eyes of others, and most of all in Kamui's eyes, as a wretched existence.  But there was not a person in the world to slap him on the hand and tell him he was being malicious.  He allowed himself the luxury of watching the boy because of that reason; because there was not anyone to tell him not to and no one to be upset with him if he were amused by what he saw.

Still, Subaru thought, Kamui truly had become a piece of work.

Watching the boy through a single, feeble thread of farsight, he could admire him for what he had become.

He was still very small for his age.  His body had the same painfully lithe frame he had always known him to have.  The chocolate brown hair cascaded around his face in anything but a style.  But his eyes had changed.  Those matured over time, became hardened, revealed less of his feelings.

They kept only the haunted stare Subaru had always seen within them.

Subaru raised an eyebrow.

//So that's what you're up to.//

//Well… I'll wait until you're done.//

There was nothing morally wrong, in his opinion, to watch Kamui occasionally as he engaged in any typical day to day activities as any other person did.  There was, however, to watch him as he engaged in anything remotely like sexual activity.  When his shirt was stripped away by his companion of the evening, Subaru thought it was best to stop watching.

It was not something he did often.  Kamui never seemed to have enjoyed the activity, from what Subaru saw written on his face when it was over and done with, but he was a healthy twenty-one year old male.  He had particular needs and when he needed them satisfied, he had them satisfied.

He was only human, after all, 'kamui' or not.

"Six months," Subaru mused quietly.

He had hoped that when he saw Kamui again after five years, he would have changed far more than he had.  Subaru had expected to be disappointed, but not nearly as much as he had been that day.

Kamui had not looked then any better than he did now.  His health was not failing, but he seemed to be losing weight, and the dark circles beneath his eyes appeared more and more often.  Were he not careful, he would likely have a complete burn out one of these days, and with the way he secluded himself from the world, there would be no one to care for him.

Well, maybe Kamui liked it that way.

He had too, once upon a time in a dreary world.

Really, the parallels between he and Kamui could be frightening sometimes.

Subaru smiled faintly.  Those parallels had been lost to no one, not even the most naïve, dense girl of the Dragons of Heaven, Yuzuriha Nekoi.  She had once told him of how she thought he and Kamui resembled one another, not in appearance, but in general air, within their 'auras' so to speak.  Not anymore.  Subaru had changed far too much to even remotely resemble Kamui.

"Six months," he repeated with a sigh.  "Well… maybe I'll wait another six to see you again."

Just to be irritating.

But as far as the present was concerned, he was feeling the urge for a midnight stroll.  Maybe he'd stop by the Starbucks down the street for a coffee.

He dressed warmly, but not suffocatingly.  Winter was fading away these days, but there was still the occasional threat of snow or a late night chill.

The doorman of his apartment complex – there was one, of course, considering in what prestigious area he lived – gave him a nod and a word of greeting as he passed, which was returned with an equal greeting and a smile.  Subaru did not consider himself a charismatic person, but he had been told that there was something dazzling about his smile, however rarely he did reveal it to anyone.  That had always amused him, that someone as damaged as he had as remarkable of a smile as people seemed to believe he possessed.

Stepping outside of the warm lobby was a rude shock to him.  It was much colder this evening than he had anticipated.  He considered a moment to go back to his apartment for his scarf, but he shrugged and decided against it.  If he did, he was nearly certain that he would not bother to come back at all, and so he settled for turning up the collar of his jacket to protect his face from the frequent bursts of chilled air.

He glanced skyward.  There were no stars in Tokyo; they could not be seen through the pollution that hung heavily in the atmosphere, but if there were, he would not have been able to see them in any case.  Thick, full gray clouds dotted the sky, foretelling a very likely fall of snow tonight.  Subaru sighed.  That would make traveling from job to job tomorrow a more difficult task than he would have appreciated.

He thought a moment to check on Kamui, but in circumstances like these, he liked to at least give Kamui an hour or two.  It never lasted any longer than an hour, barely even a half hour, if Subaru's estimations were correct.  That still gave him another fifteen minutes until he would allow himself a last glimpse to seal the others this evening.

He made a slight detour on the path he was taking.  There was a bookstore-café not far from his apartment, and the thought of coffee /and/ a book was far more inviting than just a cup of coffee.

Fortunately for someone with as nocturnal tendencies as his own, the bookstore was open well into the evening.  He wandered aimlessly the various sections until finding something that seemed interesting enough.  Then it was a matter of purchasing his coffee and settling down comfortably to finish it and read his book.  Interesting, he thought, glancing around, how many people had the very same idea as he did.

"This'll be one of the longest winters we've seen in years," the young man behind the counter at the café said conversationally.  Subaru flashed him the same charismatic smile that attracted so many others.

"You're probably right," he said.  "I might go back home to Kyoto to wait it out."

"Yeah, it should be warmer in Kyoto this time of year.  Here's your change."

Subaru took the money being offered to him and nodding.  "It usually is.  You have a good night."

"You too, sir."

Exchanges such as these, as simple as they were, had once been hurdles for him to cross when he had been younger.  Settling down in an open armchair near the glass windows overlooking the streets (the café being on the second floor of the bookstore), he smiled slightly in spite of himself, amused at how difficult the most common of things had once seemed to him.  Now they came as second nature and were nothing more than miniscule, pointless things to him.

//You should be quite done by now, Kamui.//

He spun out his thread of farsight once again and sent it in direction of where he knew Kamui to be.  As it always did, the view of seeing with a magical eye rather than a realistic eye took some adjustment, but soon the few blurs of color began to take shape.  He never actually saw anything as it actually was – he had simply taught himself to see the colors and shapes as what they actually were.

He glanced around.  It seemed Kamui was missing from the scene.  His companion remained, fully clothed, and seemingly unconscious in bed.

Well.

Subaru dropped the second line of vision to revert to his natural view.

//Interesting.//

One could easily assume what had happened there.  Quite likely, his bed fodder of choice for the evening had proved to not be what he might have seemed, wherever it was Kamui had picked him up in the first place.  Had things gotten out of hand, Kamui would have reacted as he normally did when he felt in the slightest threatened, and that was to lash out violently.  This time it had resulted in that man's current state of unconsciousness.  Many times before, the result had been far worse.

//Twenty-one and still as reckless as ever, Kamui.  I'd think you'd be more careful by now.//

//After the last time…//

Subaru shook his head and smiled.  That really was not any of his business.

He inclined his head slightly and absently marked his place in the book with the in-fold.  Whatever they were blaring over the loudspeakers, it was obnoxious to a remarkable degree, far worse than some J-pop he had ever been forced to listen to.   Something happy, upbeat, and with a singer whose voice could have shattered windows.

Come to think of it, Yuzuriha had always been fond of this music.  Subaru preferred things of a more Western flavor.

Again, he shook his head, and returned his attention to his book.  Odd, that he should be remembering so much from five years ago, when he had lived with the other Seals for that brief time.

Now that he had thought of the inugami mistress, however, he was not able to banish her from his mind.  

He had never been particularly close to her.  He had not, in fact, been close to any of the Seals.  But when it had all come to an end and traitors were labeled and the dead buried, Yuzuriha had accepted him and forgiven him.  He saw her little and she saw even less of him, but he did appear every now and then.  The last he had seen of her was when he had gone to see her graduate from high school and move on to college.

Five years really was a long time now that he thought about it.  No wonder Kamui had been so shocked to see him only six months ago.

Curiously, Subaru sent another thread of farsight spinning through the air in search of the boy that so often occupied his thoughts.  He did not have to search long.  The glowing image he recognized as Kamui was not far, perhaps…

Right here.

"Convenient," Subaru murmured.  He dropped the farsight for another time this evening and watched from a distance as Kamui stepped within the bookstore.

It was quite so convenient that Subaru thought it was decidedly inconvenient.  For one brief moment he wondered whether or not Kamui had known he was here, if the boy was able to see him as he could see Kamui, but he dismissed that thought with a shrug.  The battle was over and the two holy swords shattered.  Whatever sense he had ever received from his Seven Seals was long gone now.

Which meant this was all the more amusing as it was inconvenient to him.

Well, better to not show Kamui that he had even noticed him.  Subaru returned his attention to the book in his hands.

Either way, it did not matter to him.  If Kamui approached him, than his evening would prove far more interesting than he would have imagined.  If he failed to notice him at all, well, that would be fine, too.  Subaru didn't care.

"Subaru."

That hadn't taken very long at all.

Subaru looked up from his book and pasted such a sincere expression of surprise upon seeing Kamui, he thought perhaps he was putting the act on a bit too well.  Kamui did not seem to notice however, and that was what was important.

"Konban wa," Subaru greeted with a light smile.  "Sit down?"

Kamui did, after a moment or two of hesitation.  Subaru watched him as he did so.  He did not move as though that man who had been left unconscious in his own apartment had done anything to hurt him.  There were no signs of abuse on anything visible to Subaru either, and for now, that was good enough for him.

"You don't live in Ginza, do you?" Subaru asked.

Kamui shook his head.

"Shinjuku?"

Kamui nodded.

//Well… whatever happened it's made you very bad company tonight.//

Subaru sipped thoughtfully at his coffee.  Kamui seemed more uncomfortable than anything else.  He had always been able to tell with Kamui.  He had a habit of sitting on his hands or looking at the floor whenever he was feeling that way.  It was something Subaru had once done himself, a long time ago.

"Do you live in Ginza?" Kamui asked slowly.

"I do.  Just down the street from here."

He didn't intend to give any more information than this.  Kamui might feel the need to drop by for a visit if he knew where he lived, and that could turn up remarkably uncomfortable.

"Can I get you something?" Subaru offered, gesturing toward the counter.

"'m okay."

Kamui tended to mumble when he was uncomfortable as well.  Subaru had forgotten that tidbit of information.

"What're you reading?" he ventured a question.  Whether or not he was uncomfortable, he genuinely seemed to want to talk, or perhaps…

Perhaps he was trying to find a way to anchor Subaru here.

Subaru was flattered.

"Stigmata," he said, flipping the book over and revealing the cover to Kamui.  The boy's nose wrinkled in apparent disgust.

"Why would you want to read about that?"

Subaru shrugged and set the book aside.  "It intrigues me.  It might you, too, if you bothered to read up on it at all.  The exact places the wounds appear on those that claim to have been affected by it are in the same places as many of your scars."

Kamui flinched.  His scars, those inflicted on him by the other 'Kamui', had always been an open wound for him.  Subaru knew this and yet still poured acid into those wounds by bringing them up at all.

"A stigma was also a mark burned into the flesh of a criminal long ago," Subaru continued conversationally.  "So, someone marked by stigmata, so to speak, could be a person that has committed a crime… perhaps not one against society, but against themselves, or against someone they cared for."

Amethyst eyes flashed up and burned into him.

//Oh, good.  You are alive in there after all.//

"Well," Subaru said lightly, smiling, "it's just a minor interest of mine."

The fire in his eyes faded as the words were said.  Still quick to flare, but easily diminished, it seemed.  That was quite disappointing.

Subaru waited, to see whether or not Kamui intended to speak again.  He did not.  Subaru sighed.  It was too bad that he didn't feel very much like conversing; he would have liked to talk to him more.  But Subaru did not intend to sit there in this uncomfortable silence as though he enjoyed it.

He stood.  "It was good to see you again, Kamui."

"Don't go."

He paused.  Kamui drew a breath.  It was said too quickly.  Too quickly than was necessary, than was acceptable.  Subaru raised an eyebrow.

"I'd like to talk to you."

Subaru sat back down.  "Very well."

Kamui was not in any way less uncomfortable now than he had been before.  He was worse than before, actually.  Subaru almost wanted to shake him by the shoulders and tell him to relax.  He knew that he was not the same person that Kamui remembered, only a shadow of that person, but /honestly/… this was ridiculous.

"Are you still an onmyouji?" Kamui asked.  It was a pathetic stab at conversation of any kind, he knew that as well as Subaru did, but anything was better than nothing.

"I am."

Kamui seemed to breathe a sigh of relief.  Subaru smiled, amused.  He knew what he had expected to hear.  That was not, however, information he would give over a cup of coffee.

"Did you think I had quit?" he asked, still amused.

He could, at least, keep taunting Kamui with the information.  That would not be willingly giving it away.

"I thought…"  Kamui faltered there and sighed.  "I thought, since you… well, since that happened, you'd become…"

"The Sakurazukamori."

Kamui looked up at him sharply, with such a look on his face that Subaru had to laugh.  Not cruelly, but simply a light-hearted, amused laugh.  Kamui looked very much like the child that overheard his friend saying a curse word.

"Are you?" he asked finally, softly.

The smile did not fade.  "Do you think I am?"

"I—I don't know!" Kamui exclaimed, frustrated.  Several people glanced at them in surprise.  Kamui tinged a rather unusual shade of red and ducked his head.

"Take a wild guess," Subaru said, waving a hand absently.

Kamui bit his lower lip.  "I suppose… well, yeah, I suppose you are."

This surprised Subaru.  He had thought that Kamui would have wished so strongly that his friend had not become the guardian of the Sakura, that he would have denied it to no end that he might have in fact become the Sakurazukamori.  His willingness to accept it was remarkable.

"What makes you think so?" Subaru inquired curiously.

"You're just not the Subaru I remember."

"I was unaware you knew more than one Subaru to compare me to."

Kamui glanced up, some of that fire in his eyes again, slender eyebrows barely narrowed.  "You know what I mean."

"No, I do not.  There is no difference between the way I was 'then' and the way I am 'now'.  You are simply seeing a side of me you did not want to think was ever there."

Subaru stood again, this time intending to leave, but again, Kamui stopped him.

"I tried to find you.  After everything ended, I looked for you.  I gave up after a year.  Now that I've found you… you can't just walk away from me."

Subaru smiled.  "When did you reserve the right to tell me what I can and cannot do?"

"Let me come with you."

The smile vanished.

Then Subaru laughed.  "Out of the question, Kamui."

Kamui had stood as well by now, but with his back to him, Subaru could not see his face.  But he could practically /feel/ those eyes burning into him, pleading with him, begging to be taken along.

He was lonely.  And as he had done long ago, he needed and wanted someone to cling to.

Subaru refused to be that anchor for him.

"Subaru…"

"/No./"

Had Kamui intended to plead further, this single word stopped him.  It was said firmly, without the mirth Subaru's laughter held, without the gentleness his smiles showed.  He would have nothing of this.  Kamui knew that and felt the fool for trying at all.

"Well," Subaru said, turning slightly to glance at him, "I'll see you later, ne, Kamui?"

He left with a friendly smile and a wave of his hand.


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter 2**

The same as every morning, Kamui woke far earlier than was necessary, showered and dressed, dragged up some semblance of breakfast, and having done all these things, was having a cigarette on the balcony.

There was no real pleasure he received from smoking.  He did not consider himself addicted to the habit.  He had, at many points since he had started smoking, dropped it for a month or two without any reason other than he tired of it.  Smoking was, for him, nothing more than a recreational activity of sorts, to word it in an odd form.  He smoked because he could and because it was something to do, and there was no other reason than that.

Maybe it was because he was a victim of his surroundings that he smoked.

Well, make that one surrounding.  There was only one person he knew and had been close to that smoked, and that person needed no introduction at all.

He wondered why his thoughts were so often dominated by Subaru.  He knew that the most logical reason was because when he had been left with no one, no one to care for him, much less a single friend in the entire world, Subaru had been the one that was there for him.  Subaru had been his anchor, what had kept him from drifting too far away.  

But… he had been naïve to think that Subaru would always be that for him.

Subaru had never /wanted/ to be his anchor.  Kamui did not claim to understand Subaru.  He doubted that anyone, not in ten thousand years, would be able to fully comprehend the complex Sumeragi.  Still, he had at least liked to think that he knew enough about Subaru to be able to start to understand him even the slightest.  

And the one thing he had learned to be an absolute truth about Subaru was this: Subaru had wanted to help him, to be his friend and to care for him, but Subaru had never wanted to actually stay when he knew that Kamui would be all right.

And so Kamui was left alone once again, to watch as the few others he trusted and cared for abandoned him too.

Or betrayed him.

The final months of the battle were, without a doubt, the worse they had suffered.  In those few months, Karen lost her life to the Angel Satsuki Yatouji.  Aoki had died not long after, sacrificing his life for the sake of his own family, when their lives were threatened by the destruction of a kekkai by Fuuma.  But worse than these deaths, the worse blow of all, was when Sorata had given his own life to preserve Arashi's and was killed by Subaru.

It could have been argued that it was self-defense.  Arashi had attacked him; Subaru had to fight back or be killed.  It could be argued that Arashi had only done what Hinoto had requested of her to do, to kill the one that had betrayed them and become a Dragon of Earth.

That argument was nil.

Subaru had never betrayed them.  

Hinoto was the one that had betrayed all of them.

That was the last time Kamui had seen Subaru, when he had 'betrayed' them, until six months ago on the anniversary of the end of the battle… and last night.

Kamui sighed and flicked his cigarette over the balcony.  Last night had been a particular low for him.  He had gone out with the intention of simply escaping his apartment for a few hours and ended up in a bar near drunk and with some guy breathing down his neck until he agreed to leave with him.  Nothing had come of that; he had knocked him out the second the man had the nerve to begin relieving him of his clothing.

It turned out the man was fairly wealthy, that much was obvious by the splendor of his apartment in Ginza.  That, of course, had said nothing for what kind of person he was.  Kamui had left him there to rot for all he cared and, for reasons he could not comprehend, the sight of the bookstore as he was walking toward the subway had caught his attention.  He had gone in on a whim and found Subaru.

//Lucky me.//

Subaru really wasn't the person he remembered.  No… he was.  There was something about him that had remained after everything had happened that Kamui could still identify as a trait Subaru had always possessed.  There were simply more traits that he could /not/ recognize than those he could.

It was difficult to explain, even in his own mind.  To explain his own senses and interpretations about a person… he had never been very good at that, much less understanding anyone.  How could he, when he could not even understand himself?

It was cold.  The thought came to him as a rather rude shock, not surprisingly.  He was, after all, sitting on his balcony wearing nothing but a pair of jeans he had thrown on this morning, and while fading away, winter was not quite yet gone.  He sighed and went inside to the marginally more comfortable temperature of his apartment.

Not much better.  The heater had been broken for three weeks now.

Maybe that was why he smoked.  It kept him warm.

He dressed warmly, as he always did, and not overly liking the idea of spending his entire day in his frigid apartment, he left the Houou Estates to wander the streets of Shinjuku.  He had no idea where he was going, much less where he might end up today, but he knew at least that he did not want to be anywhere near his apartment.

Or Ginza.

Or hell, anywhere in Tokyo.

He walked past the Soapland Flower, the same as he did everyday.  It was not far from his apartment building, which was in a rather active area of Shinjuku, as in it had its fair collection of bars and various other sinful businesses.  Or at least, it was described as a sinful area, which was why it was not exactly the most ideal place to live.

That was also why it was the cheapest place to live in Shinjuku, which was all the better for him.

He entertained the thought of going into the Soapland, the same as he always did.  Why, he had no real idea.  He supposed because it was the Soapland that Karen had worked in.  Not that he expected that he could very well go in there and say hello and that he had known Karen Kasumi.

He doubted anyone even /remembered/ her.  Five years was a long time, after all, and people in Tokyo were known famously for their lack of concern for anyone but themselves…

Well, maybe that was too general of statement, on second thought.  It was what Kamui thought of people anyway.

He didn't go in.  He never did.

He continued walking, until he was away from the slum area of Shinjuku, and nearer to a more respectable area.  This much was not uncommon for him; he never actually knew where he was going when he left his apartment every morning, but he did at least follow this path every day.

Maybe he'd go to Clamp Campus.  Seeing the people there, seeing Keiichi Segawa, his former classmate, always gave him the feeling that he should go back to school to make something of his life.

The feeling never lasted long.

Neither did the thought to go to his old campus, because not but a moment later, he found himself hailing a taxi and asking to be taken to Ginza.

//What am I doing…?//

//Do I really think I'll see you there?//

//You'll just turn me away again… why do I bother…//

He did not give in to his urge to tell the driver to turn around and take him back home.  He climbed out of the backseat when they arrived in Ginza, breathed in deeply the polluted scent of Tokyo, and wondered what he was supposed to do now.

//Find you, Subaru?//

//Yeah, sure… I don't even know where to start looking.//

Kamui shoved his hands in his pockets and began walking.  The best way to get anywhere was to put one foot in front of the other, his mother had always told him.  Chances were, they would take him somewhere, and that somewhere would be exactly the place he wanted to be.

That worked for some people.  Never him.

He walked until he had come to the bookstore where he had met Subaru.  There he stopped.  Not for any other reason other than to feel a pang of nostalgia.  There was no other reason he should be here but that one.  Maybe because he had the delusional thought that Subaru would step outside of the building at any moment, smile at him, and invite him over for tea.

Kamui actually laughed at the absurdity of that thought, gaining himself quite a few surprised looks from the other civilians on the sidewalk.  He paid them little attention and had his laugh; it was a much needed one.

There was a small park across the street from the bookstore.  Kamui decided that he might as well take a stroll through there, where it would be quiet, and he could absorb himself in his own thoughts without distraction.

His eyes wandered the area in which Subaru lived as he walked.  It was obviously a newer neighborhood than most, as none of the buildings showed any sign of age or decay.  Housing units lined the streets, in between the businesses, near schools, but none too cluttered together that it looked as though everything had been haphazardly thrown together.  It was a lovely area.  Kamui wondered what it was Subaru saw in a place like this.

Not that, now that he thought about it, that he could see the Sumeragi anywhere /but/ a place like this.  Certainly not living like the people he passed; the image of Subaru in a business suit and strolling through the park with his Leave It To Beaver family sent Kamui into another round of laughter.  But like this, somewhere like this, he had always imagined Subaru in when the onmyouji had spoken of when he was younger, living in Shinjuku with his sister.  It suited him.

It suited his wallet too, Kamui was sure.  All of this was far more than he could ever hope to afford in his entire life, but for Subaru, money was likely the last thing on his mind.  Onmyouji were paid quite a bit, and assassins even more…

He doubted that Subaru had lived anywhere quite like this during the time he had known him, all those years ago.  He had never actually seen where Subaru lived during that time, much less the area, but he doubted that it mattered very much.  Subaru had come to live with he and the other Dragons of Heaven only a few weeks after having drawn Kamui from the abyss of his own mind, and left them when the former Sakurazukamori had passed away.

The Sakurazukamori was the one person that Kamui had never been able to coerce Subaru into speaking openly about.  What little information Subaru would give was not much at all, and after several failed attempts to get him to speak about the entire ordeal, Kamui had given up.  He was never able to ask the question he had wanted to the most.

//Do you really love him?//

//Do you still love him, even /now/ after all this time?//

Kamui sighed aloud and settled down on a bench beneath the shade of an elm tree.  True, it was none of his business to have asked such a question, but he and Subaru had always been close… he had thought that it would be all right if he asked him just one intimate question.  But every time he began to, the moment seemed wrong, and he would stop himself before he could make a mess of things like he always did.

He had studied Subaru intently, as any student hoping to pass end of course exams would, as though he expected someone to pop up and give him a quiz on the complex mind of one Subaru Sumeragi.  He had watched his movements, heard every inflection of voice in his tone, seen the way his eyes could reveal his deepest thoughts at the most inappropriate of moments…

But he had never been able to answer that question.  When Subaru spoke of the Sakurazukamori, he had spoken as he had about anything else, and always dismissed it all with a shrug of his shoulders before changing the subject.  But he did that with so /many/ things it was hard to tell if her were trying to hide something.

//I have a better question.//

//Why, after five years, am I /still/ thinking about this?//

//Better yet, /why/ am I still thinking about /you/?//

Why was an amazingly good question, now that he thought about it.  The question 'why?' could sum up his entire outlook on his past.  That, and maybe a 'huh?' thrown in there for whenever he was particularly confused about something.

Why was he 'kamui'?

Why was Fuuma his twin star?

Why did Kotori have to die?

Why did anyone have to die?

And, most of all, why did he fall in love with all the wrong people?

//And, of course, why am I thinking about this so much like a pathetic teenager?//

He let his fall back with a small laugh.  It really was pointless, to think so much of the past now that it was over and done with, the same as it was pointless to regret the future he had made for himself then and was living now.  There was no one he could blame for anything that had gone wrong in his life but himself, and he would never misplace that blame.  He knew and understood that it was his own.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were following me, Kamui."

His head snapped up.  Subaru laughed.

"Why so surprised?  I do live here after all."

Kamui caught his breath and shot a glare at Subaru reminiscent to that he had always given when he was younger.  "You scared me," he said lightly, shrugging his shoulders.  Two could play at this 'carefree, light hearted, everything's-fine-and-dandy' game.

"I didn't mean to."  Subaru gestured to the unoccupied seat beside Kamui.  "May I sit?"

Kamui shrugged again and waved a hand dismissively.  Taking this as a yes, Subaru settled down beside him.

The younger man allowed his eyes to wander indiscriminately over Subaru for a moment.  He was, Kamui saw, a person that aged amazingly well.  He did not look a day older than he had been when Kamui first met him, and aside from the now discolored eyes and the hardened look that had overcome them, he was the same Subaru.  His figure was not quite as painfully thin as it had once been either, Kamui noted, on a second glance.

Clothing, at least, seemed to be a remarkable change.  He had always known Subaru to wear nothing but his black jeans and shirt, with that tattered white trench coat of his.  Today, he was dressed in a trench coat, unsurprisingly considering that it was still very cold, but it was a very striking shade of crimson, near blood red.

"So why are you here?" Subaru asked.

Kamui looked at him sharply.  "Am I not /allowed/ here?"

Subaru stared at him for a moment, then broke into a laugh.  "I had thought, after talking to you last night, that you had changed quite a bit from when I last saw you.  But I see you're still the same person.

"To answer your question, I have never said that.  It was a matter of curiosity."

"I had no where better to go," Kamui answered after a moment, choosing to speak the most truthful response.

"Were you hoping to find me?"

Again, it took a long moment for Kamui to respond.  "… not really, no.  I thought maybe I'd see you, but I wasn't counting on it."  

He longed to change the subject to anything as long as it was not anything about him or why he was in Ginza.  That was what Subaru wanted, he knew that.  Subaru wanted to think that he had come here specifically to see him.  Kamui did not want to give him that luxury, especially when it was not the complete truth.

"So am I keeping you from something?" he asked.

"No," Subaru replied after a brief glance.  "I wouldn't have stopped to talk to you if I were in a hurry to go anywhere.  I was on my way home from a job."

A job.  Kamui wondered what exactly that entailed.

"Not that kind," Subaru answered for him.

"I didn't think--"

Subaru laughed again.  Kamui wondered why that it was failing to bother him as much as it should.  Laughter could become tedious if it continued too long, at inappropriate moments, or was from people that did not mean it.  Subaru, on the other hand, was not quite laughing with mirth, but he was not forcefully laughing.  He was actually amused, and though Kamui knew that he should be offended that Subaru was finding humor and him, it did not bother him.

"You were thinking it," Subaru said.  "But no.  Not that kind of job.  What sort of assassin works so early in the morning anyway?"

"I wouldn't know.  I don't know many assassins," answered Kamui flippantly.

"And good for you," Subaru replied, ignoring the sarcasm.  "Not a likeable bunch."

"You would know."

It was an insult, and its meaning cut far deeper than one would think, for it referred to the Sakurazukamori before Subaru.    But if it bothered Subaru, it did not show in his expression, much less in anything else seen.  He did not even show the slightest indication to have comprehended the underlying meaning behind the words, though Kamui knew very well he understood all too well.

To avert the subject, Subaru asked, "What do you do with yourself these days, Kamui?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, do you work?"

Kamui shook his head slowly.  "No."

"Have you started school since I last saw you?"

"No."

Subaru said nothing to this, only made a slight sound beneath his breath to acknowledge that he was still listening.  The sound was brief, affirmative, and almost arrogant, as though he had expected nothing better of Kamui.

At length, Subaru inquired, "Do you still regret all that happened five years ago?"

Kamui felt that it was an insult and snapped in return, "You spent nine years grieving for your sister's death."

There was silence on both sides of the conversation for several long moments.  Finally, Subaru broke it by laughing softly, briefly.

"If you think that I was grieving then, yours and my definition of the word are far different," he said lightly.  "I had not forgotten her, no.  I had not forgotten what had happened to her.  But I had accepted it."

"And forgiven?" Kamui asked hesitantly.

For the briefest second, he saw Subaru unguarded.  The question did nothing to reflect a past sorrow or pain; that was not what he saw when Subaru lowered his shields.  What he saw was not bitterness or regret for what had happened to him.  What reflected in those mismatched eyes was pure /anger/ and loathing.

"No," he answered.  "Never forgiven."

The moment did not last for long.  The shields returned and the unguarded look of his eyes faded away.  Kamui sighed and looked away.

"I'm not in mourning," he answered softly.  "I just… I haven't forgotten."

"You killed someone that you cared very much for," Subaru returned, and his tone sounded somehow like it had once before, when he was attempting to comfort Kamui.  "You should never forget him."

Kamui laughed briefly, bitterly.  "I didn't kill Fuuma."

His voice was so quiet Subaru scarcely thought he had heard him.  He frowned faintly as he realized what Kamui had said.

"You did," he said slowly, "or else none of this--"

"I didn't kill him," Kamui repeated firmly.  "Fuuma's alive.  He's alive and I can show you."

Somewhere, a child was calling for her mother.  Children were playing their games and calling and yelling to one another.  Pairs walked hand in hand speaking in low, secretive whispers.  None of these things touched either of them at this moment.

Subaru spoke slowly.

"Well then…

"Show me."


	4. Chapter Three

**Chapter 3**

It seemed to Subaru that his and Kamui's definitions of the word 'alive' were as different as their interpretations as the word 'grieving.'

He gazed down at the form in the hospital bed evenly.  Five years he had lied here, his body still actively working, hairs and limbs growing, but muscles fading away into nothing.  It was amazing that someone could live for so long yet never live at all, but Subaru supposed that was the fine oddity of a coma.  The person was alive, most certainly, but sleeping, perhaps forever if it was not meant for them to ever awaken.

"How did it happen?" Subaru asked.

Kamui was seated on the other side of the bed, opposite of him, staring at the life support machines and their steady sound of the 'beep-beep-beep'.  

"I'm not sure really," he admitted, frowning in that painfully adorable way of his when he was having trouble fully understanding something.  "I remember being on the Tower, and I remember fighting him, and then I think we were falling.  

"When I woke up I was in the hospital.  He was still out of it then, and they didn't tell me until later that it was possible he would never come out of it at all…

"They told me to give up hope.  That there was no way he would ever wake up.  After five years, I think they're right, but I just can't stop hoping.  When I do, I've lost everything.

"I looked for you those five years because I thought, if I found you, you'd be able to go within him and bring him back out like you did for me.  But I gave up on wishing for that a long time ago."

Subaru looked up at him.  "He has not drawn within himself, Kamui.  Even if they say a person in a coma is fully aware of their surroundings, it's a completely different thing if you were to enter their mind… they're not really there.  Not completely."

Kamui smiled a mirthless smile.  "Can't blame me for hoping."

Subaru shook his head 'no', but said nothing more.  He was surprised that Kamui had waited this long and was still waiting in the hope that Fuuma would ever awaken from his coma.  And, were he to awaken, Subaru wondered what would stop him from still being the 'Dark Kamui' and the Dragon of Earth.  Kamui was hoping for far too much if he believed that Fuuma would awaken and miraculously be the person he had once been.

There was something admirable about his determination, however pathetic that it might be.  Subaru did not know if he would have ever had the resolve Kamui now possessed to wait this long in vain hope.  When something seemed impossibly unattainable, he had always been quick to give it up and face reality.  That he had learned from Seishirou.

"I don't know if I should wait anymore."  Kamui was speaking again, startling him from his thoughts.  "But I just… I just don't want to think I've really lost everyone I loved, you know?"

"I know," Subaru agreed.  "When you have nothing, hope is the only thing you can possess."

Kamui only nodded miserably.  He had been so defensive when they were in the park, it came as a shock to Subaru to see him like this, unguarded and openly sharing his feelings.  Subaru did not want him to continue like this.  He would have much rather preferred the way Kamui was before than the way he was now.  It was not so much depressing as it was frustrating.  Kamui had suffered so much, and yet continued to suffer, even when those things that had once plagued him were long gone now.

It was his protectiveness for the boy that inspired these thoughts.  Subaru knew that he did not love Kamui, nor had he ever felt anything for him aside from a higher level of affection than that he expressed with others.  But he did not want to see him suffer, no more than he would want to see a dear friend in pain.  Never mind, he thought, that Kamui was not quite his friend, much less anything to him that could be labeled.  Theirs was a complicated relationship that Subaru had never been able to fully understand.

On the one hand, he had recognized and accepted that Kamui cared for him and had developed some bizarre kind of hero worship for him, but on the other, he had wanted to deny this to no end.  He did not want Kamui to become attached to him when it was likely, more than likely, that he would only be hurt in the end.  Kamui had been hurt enough; he did not need more sorrows to add to his growing pile.

The existence of Fuuma made it no easier for Kamui to cope with all that had happened in the past.  As long as Fuuma continued to live, in this state of body and mind, Kamui would continue to suffer.  A part of Subaru, a darker side, thought perhaps it would be far more easier to simply 'pull the plug' so to speak and rid Kamui of his burden.  But the other part, the more dominant trait of his personality, told him that this was not his place and that he should accept Kamui's wishes for what they were.

"I do not think I would be able to do this if I were in your position, Kamui," Subaru said suddenly, his tone almost but not nearly reflecting awe and admiration.

"What do you mean?"

"This."  Subaru gestured vaguely toward Fuuma.  "I would not be able to wait this long in vain hope that someone I cared about would wake up someday."

"You said yourself hope is the only thing you can have when you don't have anything else," Kamui said pointedly.  "And if it were someone you loved… you'd be able to do it too."

Subaru did not answer.  Maybe he could have.  Maybe he would have, a long time ago, if he had cared for someone as much as Kamui did for Fuuma.  But though he recognized that there were many parallels between his life and Kamui's and the ways they had been forced to suffer, he knew that in the way they had each dealt and coped with the trauma were far different.  And so were they, in the ways they had turned out in the end.

"How long will you wait for him?" he inquired at length.

Kamui smiled a little.  "Maybe another five years," he answered.  "Maybe another ten… fifteen, or maybe just til I'm dead."

Subaru stared at him.  "That long."  It was not a question, only a statement of awe.

"Sure," Kamui said, sounding puzzled that it surprised him so much that he would be willing to wait that long.  "It's the least I can do for him."

"I could go within him, Kamui."

Kamui's head snapped up, his eyes startled.  "You said you couldn't if the person is in a coma…"

"It's dangerous," Subaru said, shrugging, "but not impossible."

For a long moment, Kamui was silent.  Finally, he shook his head.  "No.  I don't want you to if you'll get hurt."

Subaru flashed him a grin.  "I'm flattered you're so concerned with my well-being, Kamui."

Kamui returned the comment with a sour expression, but said nothing.  He was not sure that he wanted Subaru to do this.  He had wanted him to, a long time ago, in the hope that he could bring Fuuma back to him and to the world of the living, but now he had his doubts.  Age was what had caused those doubts.  Though he still had hope, he was twenty-one now, and unfortunately, that meant he was more realistic.  It seemed more than a vain hope that Subaru would be able to do anything.

"It might be fun," Subaru commented.

"It's not supposed to be /fun/," Kamui returned below his breath.

Subaru shrugged.  "A learning experience, then.  I've never seen a mind when someone hasn't specifically shut themselves within."

"Fine.  If you want to kill yourself, be my guest."

"I doubt /that/ will happen… but who knows.  There's always a chance."

Somehow, Kamui was not comforted.

Subaru pulled a chair beside the bed and smiled at him charmingly as he sat down.  

"See you in a few."

Kamui did not respond, only watched closely as Subaru reached out, settled an index and middle finger on Fuuma's temples at each side, and then bowed his head forward.  He began to chant the incantation, softly and evenly.

For Subaru, the world around him faded away.  He had a glimpse of Kamui watching him anxiously and then it was gone, and he had the sensation of falling through black space.  Maybe he was actually falling through outer space; he could never tell what exactly was happening when he first drew within.  Everything was a blur of colors and images, and he concentrated so much on keeping control of his own mind that he could never quite place what was happening around him.

His feet seemed to touch something solid.  He waited a moment, listening.  Something that sounded remotely like the distant sound of an ambulance siren was coming from far away.  Aside from this, there was nothing, and after a brief moment, Subaru opened his eyes.  What he saw was far worse than what he would have imagined.

The ground was charred and burned, like the land after a terrible forest fire.  But rather than being charred black, it was the color of red, a deep crimson, blood red, for blood seemed to have stained the land.  The red, the blood he assumed, was the only thing that seemed to give any color to the barren wasteland.  It seemed to glow, giving everything a red sheen, but as he glanced skywards he saw that it was not the ground that lit the area but the moon that hung low in the 'sky'.  It too was scorched red.

Buildings surrounded him, some he recognized as monuments in Tokyo, but all of them black and twisted and stretching far too high to the skies than was natural.  The glass of the windows had been shattered, leaving each with a gaping black hole into nothingness.  Doors hung off their hinges.  In the distance, Tokyo Tower was twisted into a mockery of its splendor.  It was split straight down the middle and stretched out both to the right and the left.  Lights that would have normally been white lining the Tower were red and blinked constantly.

Subaru took a step forward and found that his feet made no sound, but the earth fell away as he placed his weight on it.  He lifted his foot and looked to the ground he had just stepped on, and to his disgust, found that several black worms had wriggled up from beneath the surface and were dying under the harsh light of the red moon.  He wondered vaguely why the light did not affect him as it did them, but he supposed it was because he was not a reality here.  To this land, he was nothing.  He doubted that any of this, if any of it could, knew of his presence.

Ignoring the worms and the death surrounding him, Subaru ventured forward.  He seemed to be walking far away and no where at the same time.  The buildings around him did not move, but as he continued to walk, they seemed to change shape, as though he had gone from one block in the ruined city to another, and yet had not at all.  He kept his mind from focusing on it too much; there was no easier way than to be consumed by a mind such as this one than to start to begin to wonder how it was logical and in what way did it function.

The sound of the siren had faded away into nothingness, he noted.  Now, there seemed to be the sound of voices, dozens and dozens of voices, all around him but so faintly heard he might have mistaken them for being far away.  He paused and listened.  He could hear scattered pieces of conversation, none of it very relevant to him, and all of it broken down so much into single words or phrases that had nothing to do with one another that he could not make sense of them.  It took a moment for him to realize that this is what he would hear were he walking down a busy street in Tokyo, only the scattered voices of people as they tended to their every day activities.  But here, those people were mere phantoms, washing over him and around him and never to be seen.

He blocked the voices from his mind and continued to walk.  Piece by piece, the broken, scorched wasteland of Tokyo began to fade away.  The red moon grew brighter as he drew nearer to it, but still did not hurt him as he advanced closer to it.  Soon, the city was gone, and he found himself walking through a true barren wasteland, where the ground was completely scorched black and red and brittle beneath his feet.  He continued to walk, until it seemed that hours had passed him by, and until no time at all seemed to have gone.

The red moon hung low in the sky and chilled him to the bone when he arrived at the destination he had been striving for without knowing.  But here, the land was not bathed in the red glow of the moon.  The scorched earth beneath his feet faded and was replaced by lush green.  Light, true light from the sun beamed down on him.  He stepped forward and a house materialized before him.  A common house, like any of those seen in Tokyo, and beside it was a shrine.  The house did not matter to him; it seemed no more than a holographic image.  It was the shrine that he began to walk toward without knowing why.  What he knew was that it seemed to be beckoning to him and he followed.

A broom was lying on the porch surrounding the shrine, discarded in a single moment.  A collection of flowers, recently plucked from the gardens surrounding the temple, rested not far from it.  Subaru stepped over these things and ventured to the double doors that would permit him entrance into the shrine.  Nothing seemed to be wrong, yet everything seemed to be wrong, all at the same time.  This was a world of parallels, he realized, and what might appear to not be harmful to him at all could be what caused him death, and what appeared to be dangerous would be his salvation.  Subaru took caution to mind as he neared the shrine doors and pushed them open.

Light would have flooded the room, but for some reason, none did.  He stepped inside and the doors immediately closed behind him.  Surrounding him, lining the walls, hanging from the ceiling, were a great many candles.  All were of the same design, no different from the other, all with wax dripping off in the same strategic places.  All the flames flickered in the same way and were at the same height and width.  Together, they created a pattern of a pentacle across the floor and hanging from the ceiling, and within the center of the pentacle was the one that was trapped within this mind.

Fuuma, or Fuuma as Kamui had known him, yet at the same time as Subaru had known him as the Dark Kamui, was in the center of the room.  His arms, painfully thin from lack of nutrition, were stretched out above his head.  Cuffs were snapped around his crossed wrists and the chain connecting them was looped around a crude hook in the ceiling.  A single chain wrapped down his right arm, across his chest, and then around his left leg.  His feet were bound the same as his wrists.  His body, whatever little part of it that was clothed, was wrapped up in a bloody shroud.  A blindfold was secured around his eyes.  Dark hair hung matted down by blood and sweat.  This was Fuuma as he truly was.

Subaru took another step forward.  Fuuma moved slightly, clarifying for him that he was in fact alive, or at least as much alive in the sense of the word as he could be.  Within his mind, he was alive.  Outside his mind, he was as well, but not quite in the same way.  Actually… Subaru was not sure about the whole thing.  There were too many parallels in this world.  Time moved, yet it did not.  The moon existed, yet it did not.  Fuuma was alive, but then, he was not that much alive, was he?

The lips moved to speak, but were unable to form words, having been parched for so long.  Subaru glanced around.  Conveniently, there was a stone goblet on the floor filled to the brim with water.  He knelt down and picked it up, finding the stone cold, which meant that the liquid within was the same.  He carried it over and held it to Fuuma's mouth.

"Drink," he commanded quietly.

Fuuma did as he was instructed, with some difficulty, considering that if he had been like this for long, he had not actually had anything to 'drink' for five years.  Subaru waited until he had drank his full before taking the goblet away and returning it to its position on the floor.

"Subaru, is it?" Fuuma asked, having regained his voice.  "Subaru Sumeragi."

"Aa," Subaru confirmed.  "This is quite a world you've created for yourself, Fuuma."

Fuuma laughed at that, but it was a dry, brittle laugh.  "I didn't create it," he answered.  "Some of it, yeah, I guess I did.  I made the shrine and the house, but the city… that's all the beautiful masterpiece of the Dragon of Earth."

"The Dragon of Earth?" repeated Subaru.  "It is separate from you?"

"In a way.  It's complicated.  One of those I am him, he is me things.  But why, may I ask, are you here?"

"You're in a coma.  You have been for five years.  Kamui's still waiting for you.  I offered to come in and see if there was anything worth waiting for."

Fuuma made a brief motion with his head, which seemed to be some kind of nod.  He might have been able to do it were he not quite as weakened as it seemed he was.  Considering he was trapped within his own mind, and only in his mind, it was not as though he could receive the nutrition that normal people needed to survive.  It was provided for on the outside, but not within.

"Can you waken?" Subaru inquired.

"Wasn't aware I was in a coma," Fuuma returned.  "Can't exactly wake up unless you know you need to be waking up."

Subaru slipped a hand inside of his crimson jacket and found that his cigarettes were in fact there.  He drew one from the pack and lit it up.  "Am I speaking to Fuuma Monou, or Fuuma the Dark Kamui, or what?" he asked.

"Fuuma," was the answer.  "Or as close to me as you'll find."

"So then the Dragon of Earth persona was always separate from yours."

"No.  The Dragon of Earth was a piece of me that I never had until Kamui made his decision.  When I became the Dragon of Earth, I became a whole person."

"You are not acting as the Dragon of Earth I knew."

Fuuma laughed again.  His voice was not quite as bitter this time as it was before, likely because his throat was not nearly as dry.  "Come here," he commanded, "and look beneath the shroud."

Subaru frowned, but took a step nearer to him.  He reached out and moved aside the bloody shroud from Fuuma's chest.  Behind it, there was nothing.  A gaping hole, the size of a fist, went straight through Fuuma's torso.  He could see the opposite wall through it.  Its exact position was where his heart should have been, Subaru realized.

"You have no heart," he said slowly.

Fuuma smiled, but it was a mirthless smile without the affect of his eyes reflecting it, as they were hidden behind the blindfold.  "The damned can't have hearts.  But you see, I'm not quite whole.  The Dragon of Earth has my heart.  When I acted as him, as the Dragon and Kamui's enemy, then I had it.  But I guess after I went into this coma you tell me I'm in, he made off with it."

"Why?"

"How should I know?  He always was a greedy son of a bitch."

"This is all very painfully symbolic."

"Yeah, I know.  Gives you a headache, doesn't it?"

"A little," Subaru admitted.

He was attempting to make sense of all the symbolism.  In the mind, it was very rare that anything was painted in a very clear picture, but rather, everything was jumbled together and looked as though the artist had been doing nothing but flinging paint around.  There were a few assumptions he could make as far as some of this was concerned, however, but he doubted that he would ever completely understand.

The ruined city he had walked through he assumed was Tokyo.  The city was the part of the mind that was dominated by the Dragon of Earth persona, while the shrine and the house were what had been created by Fuuma.  They were, as Fuuma said, not separate from one another as a person, but they were each two different personas that went in to create one full person.  And as long as they were separate from one another, as in physical proximity, then Fuuma was not a complete being.

He assumed that the chains referred to the chains of fate that clung to him, and he would not be surprised if Kamui had something very much like this within his own mind.  The shroud he was not quite as certain of, but it most likely was a reference to how, in a bizarre way, Fuuma and Kamui could be seen as figures of Christ.  He was not very knowledgeable about Christianity or any other Western religion, but he was fairly certain that the position in which Fuuma was now was the very way they saw their Savior.

"The city belongs to the Dragon of Earth," Subaru said at length.  "Is that true?"

Fuuma gave some semblance of a shrug.  "Yes.  It's both of ours, but more his than mine.  That's Tokyo as it would have been if I had won.  Which I assume I didn't, since I'm the one in a coma and you're here."

"No, you lost," Subaru answered vaguely.  "Then if I were to look for the Dragon of Earth, that piece of you, would I be able to find him and speak to him in the city?"

"I wouldn't recommend it.  He doesn't like visitors."

"Then I could."

Another vague shrug.  "Sure you could.  But I don't recommend it."

"Will you wake now, that you two are not one whole person, and you will be able to return to Kamui the way he once knew you?"

Fuuma did not answer him.  Subaru tried again.  "Will you?"

"Don't know," Fuuma answered.  "I could, but I don't think my being 'alive' and with him will help him.  I don't know… I don't want to be alive and incomplete, and not while the Dragon of Earth is still in me and could take over at any time… I don't know."

Without warning, the ground beneath them began to tremble.  An earthquake swept over the shrine, so violent that Subaru was forced to keep from falling by gripping the doorframe and grounding his feet to the floor.  But as quickly as it had come, it had passed.  All of the candles continued to flicker their dim light.

"You've got to go," Fuuma said slowly.  "He knows you're here."

"What?"

"I told you he doesn't like visitors.  If he comes here, he'll kill you, and I think as an onmyouji you know what happens when you're killed within a mind and your own mind."

Subaru did.  Forced to be like Fuuma, comatose throughout life, did not strike him as a very inviting idea.

"I'm not through talking to you."

Fuuma smiled.  "Didn't think you were.  So I'll see you soon, ne, Subaru-kun?"

Subaru had already begun the incantation that would take him from Fuuma's mind to have the chance to be insulted by the use of the honorific.

Drawing out of a mind was not a process like that of going within.  The images that he saw when diving into a mind all vanished.  Around him, there was nothing but black nothingness, that steadily and steadily grew brighter as he seemed to be drifting further and further away from Fuuma, from the shrine, from the ruined city, away from the red moon.  There was a flash of white and within the real world his eyes snapped open.

"Subaru?"

Kamui was leaning over him, a hand resting on the small of his back.  His voice was filled with concern.  Subaru waved him dismissively away as he attempted to regain the breath he had lost on his return.

"Subaru?  Hey, Subaru!"

"I'm all right," Subaru managed, his voice coming out more forceful that he had intended.  "You of all people should know what that spell does to me."

Kamui winced slightly at the tone.  "Sorry, I was just worried, and a few minutes after you . . . well, after you went out of it, you started to bleed from the mouth."

Subaru frowned and touched a finger to his lips.  As Kamui had said, warm blood was there.  He laughed a little.  "It happens sometimes," he replied, "if entering is difficult for me."

Kamui feebly offered him a Kleenex.  Subaru wiped up the traces of blood and allowed himself to rest for a moment, his head leaning forward against the bed.  He did not look up at Kamui until his breathing had become even and natural.  Kamui was looking at him, amethyst eyes wide with worry.  Subaru smiled.

"Come on, give me a hand," he said, forcing himself to stand up.  Kamui came immediately to his side and slipped under his arm to support him.

"We'll go to my place," Subaru continued, "and I'll tell you about it…"


End file.
